Eating and Unhappy

[dchoneyb916]

Eating and Unhappy

Over the course of the last 2 years, have worked really hard to lose a lot of weight. So the question I pose to you, and more importantly myself, is why I am sabotaging myself? I've spent the last 2 months eating without restraint. With the Lap-Band, I shouldn't be able to eat as much as I am eating, but my band is loose--I'll explain what that means later. The last few days have been really bad. I spent the entire weekend eating and unhappy. Like a prize winning gourmand, I stuffed my face with total disregard for the emotional and physical pain in my stomach.

I often think about a friend who has an issue with cutting. I look at the wounds on his arm and think why does he do that? He is currently keeping it under control with counseling, but the desire to hurt himself is still there. During the course of my life, I've gained and lost hundreds of pounds. With the band, I've kept most of it off this last time but the desire to numb myself with food is still there. Will it ever go away? Will I ever be able to eat without guilt or without feeling like the food somehow plugs the holes in my life?

This weekend I saw Joel Osteen's a Night of Hope at the Verizon Center. I have taken his advice and every morning, before my feet touch the ground, I profess that something amazing will happen to me in the next 24 hours. "Something wonderful will happen to me today," are the words my cats hear me say. Their bewildered, curious look is the cutest philter a pet owner could ask for. I have hope, I have faith, and I have resiliency. Now, I am waiting for my faith to become action and the eating to become happy. Until then, I pray the scale sits at 189 and that I stop my own personal version of cutting.

Wow. Now that's deep.

[kms5808]

I know it's hard, but I keep telling myself, look at how much I;ve just spent and how healthy I will be!
Hope you've been doing well since you last post! I was just banded in October, so I'm learning a whole lot.